Bulletproof
by Amanda Hawthorn
Summary: An emotional case causes Sara turmoil, while it brings some startling revelations for Grissom regarding his relationship with her GS
1. Default Chapter

TITLE: Bullet Proof

AUTHOR: Amanda Hawthorn

RATING: PG-13/ maybe R when finished

PAIRING: Grissom/Sara     

CATEGORY: Angst/romance

ARCHIVE: Sara and Grissom and my site 

FEEDBACK: Love it, but no flames please I'm fragile!!

EMAIL: **southerngirl_uk@yahoo.co.uk**

SPOILERS: loosely based on season 4

SUMMARY: An emotional case causes Sara turmoil, while it brings some startling revelations for Grissom regarding his relationship with her

DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No  
infringement intended.  
AUTHORS' NOTES: As always a huge thank you to the Sara and Grissom yahoo list for their constant support. This story is for everyone who was kind enough to leave a review for my other stories. This comes from the song Bullet Proof that Niff sent me to listen to and it hasn't been off of my computer since! Thanks to everyone 

Huge Thanks to Marlou for beta-ing

Copyright Amanda Hawthorn September 2003

Bulletproof by Blue Rodeo

                                            __

_Tell me one more time again  
Just like I didn't hear you  
Like I don't know what's going through your mind, I do  
I play the same game too  
I know it's hard to stop  
Even when you want to___

_Now the moon lights up your face  
And I can see you're crying  
You never liked me to see you cry, it's true  
I've done some crying too  
The hardest part about it  
Is trying to hide it from you___

_It must be great to be so strong  
Never needed anybody's help to carry on  
But we're so scared of the silence and the tricks that we use  
We're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily bruised  
I don't want to lie about it  
I'm not bulletproof_

_Well I finally found the way  
To hide from all your glances  
Till the waiting game we play is through  
I can, but what's the use  
When all I really want to do is hide out with you___

_It would be great to be so strong  
You never needed anybody's help to get along  
We're so scared of the silence and the language that we use  
Yeah we're careful and we're cunning, but we're easily bruised  
I don't want to kid about it  
I'm not bulletproof___

_Tell me one more time again  
I guess I didn't hear you  
I don't know all the secrets that you keep inside  
I tried the same thing too  
But they all come pouring out of me when I'm talking to you___

_It must be great to be so strong  
You never needed anybody else's help to carry on  
But I'm not waking up each morning with forgiveness I can use  
No I'm careless, and I'm cruel, but I'm still easily bruised___

_I'm so tired of lying about it   
I'm not bulletproof  
No, and I'm not going to lie about it  
I'm not bulletproof_

Gil Grissom looked at his reflection cautiously as he surveyed the new beard that sported his face.

Today was the first day of the rest of his life. Today he would return to work after his successful surgery and face the people who he had blatantly lied to for so long.

Closing his eyes, he tried to banish the denial from his heart. His last image of Sara had been one of anguish, knowing that he had hurt her again in his quest to keep order and stability the main ingredients in his life.

She had managed to cause his body to react to her in ways he would rather have acknowledged, but as always he had lied to her time and time again. 

How many times could he ignore the flutter in his heart whenever she came into the room? How many times could he deny that she had no affect on him? His feelings were becoming harder and harder to control, and that's what truly scared him 

Sara invaded his logic and caused it to scramble in every different direction. She made him lose his senses and become reckless. No woman had ever caused this reaction in him, and it frightened him to his very core.

In all truth, if he was totally honest with himself, he knew exactly what he had been doing over the past year. He knew his avoidance was hurting her, but he couldn't seem to stop. Oh he'd wanted to, so many times. It's not that he didn't want to stop. He did, so many times. He would catch the sheen of tears in her eyes and fight his instinctive reactions. If he touched her, then he would surely have lost himself in her being. He couldn't do that when he was trying so hard to keep her away. And losing himself was not the solution when he was trying so hard to keep her at a distance.

It has progressed to a point where she thought that he didn't care about her, and that hurt him more than any words ever could. He did care, of course he did, much more than he should, much more than his brain would allow. Didn't she know it hurt him deeply to see her in so much pain and knowing he was the cause?

Taking a breath, he regarded his reflection one last time before stepping away from the mirror. If anything, his time away had brought his fears to life. He had missed her so much, and that was his greatest downfall. Tonight, when he would see her for the first time in 4 weeks, he would ask her if she wanted to have that dinner he had declined. His fear of her power to hurt him had all but been replaced with his need to see her. No more hurting, no more emotional scars. They needed closure, and he needed to show her that he did indeed care.

Sara came into the break room tiredly and sat down in a seat next to Nick. Offering him a small smile, she took the offered mug of coffee he handed her.

"No sleep again huh?" he asked worriedly.

"Some," she whispered into her drink, closing her eyes until the swirling smell of coffee had invaded her tired brain. "I had an hour I think, I can't remember."

"Sara," he sighed, shuffling his chair closer to hers to lay a hand on her arm. "Listen, I know how rape cases affect you, why don't you let me handle this one and you take my suicide?" 

"I'm okay," she told him defiantly, flashing him an angry look before moving to stand.

"Sara, stay," he pleaded, reaching out a hand to still her movements. "Look I'm sorry, I was only trying to help that's all."

She caught his eyes with her own and felt the anger melt away from her heart. Sitting back down again, Sara offered him a small smile. "Sorry," she whispered, turning her eyes back to the dark liquid in her mug, "I know you're only looking out for me, but I need to do this."

"Well Warrick could handle my case, maybe I could help you?"

"I can handle it," she told him, her voice soft as she spoke. Reaching out a hand to his, she squeezed his fingers in reassurance before moving her chair back to stand up.

"If you need my help," he started, worry etched in his voice.

"I know Nick," she nodded, "I'll come and find you." Turning away from him, she made her way out of the door and back towards the evidence room that had been home to her for the past 3 nights.

He watched her leave, knowing that she wasn't handling this well at all. Part of him was angry with Catherine for placing her on such a harrowing case, knowing that Sara poured everything she possessed into helping the victim. With Grissom gone, Sara had seemed to withdraw into herself more and more. The others hadn't seemed to notice at first, but only when he mentioned it did Catherine realize what was happening.

"Hey bro," Warrick chirped as he walked in through the door, "you first here tonight?"

"Nah," he shook his head, "Sara's here."

Looking around the room, Warrick turned back to Nick. "She's working already?"

"Yeah," Nick sighed worriedly, "I don't like this man, I don't think she's handling the case as well as she's pretending to." 

"She's strong Nick," Warrick nodded, "give her credit. If she says she can handle it then she can."

"I'm not so sure…" His voice trailed off as both Catherine and Grissom stepped through into the break room.

"Griss?" Nick grinned, "You're back, and with uhm, a new look!"

"Hey good to see you again man," Warrick grinned, his eyes taking a double take when he saw the new facial hair.

Grissom's heart flooded with disappointment when he didn't see the one person her really wanted to. Seeing his eyes darting around the room, Nick stood up. "Sara's working."

"Already?" Grissom asked worriedly, turning his head to glance down at his watch, "shift hasn't even started yet."

"Yeah I know," he sighed. "She's been working 3 days straight, I don't even think she's been home."

"She can handle herself Nicky," Catherine told him with a smile, "she's a big girl."

"Cath, no offense, but you know as well as I do that rape cases have this affect on her." Moving towards the door, Nick flashed her an uneasy smile, "I've still got the suicide case to finish up."

"Rape case?" Grissom asked, turning to face Catherine as his voice raised a notch higher.

"Hey, you got an assignment for me?" Warrick asked hurriedly, breaking through the tense atmosphere in the room.

"Yeah," Catherine nodded quickly, trying to avoid the angry look that had found its way into Grissom's eyes. "We've got a DB in an elevator."

"Uh, okay," Warrick nodded tensely, "I'll go grab my stuff. Meet you outside."

"Be right there," she smiled brightly only to have the smile fall away when she turned back to Grissom.

"What were you thinking?" Grissom asked her angrily. "You know what happened the last time."

"Gil, she's a CSI, she has to be able to handle these cases. I gave this one to Sara because I knew she wouldn't let anything slip by her."

"Catherine, she becomes emotionally involved with the victim. I've seen what this does to her and I thought you would have been able to see that," taking a breath, he rubbed his hand tiredly over his eyes. "I….."

"Why are you so protective over her all of a sudden?" Catherine asked in a hushed whisper. "Let her do her job Gil, she's more capable than you give her credit for." Turning away from him, she walked out of the break room door, casting him a reassuring smile as she did.

Grissom stood stunned for a few seconds before his protectiveness crept upon him. He no longer wanted to fight the attraction that pulled him closer to Sara every time they were in the same room. With a heavy heart he walked out of the room to go in search of his elusive CSI.

Sara stared tiredly at the evidence spread out on the table, feeling more than a little empathy with the young girl whose life had been taken so abruptly. A thousand different scenarios flashed inside her mind, and each one held more horror, more fear and more anguish than the previous one. Reaching out to the pile of photos on the table, she held them up to skip through them one by one. Every bruise, every mark depicting the assault on the woman's young body caused the lump in her throat to rise higher and higher, bringing a sheen of tears to her eyes.

"You didn't stand a chance did you?" she whispered to the photos, her voice full of emotion. Closing her eyes against the tears, she placed the coloured images back onto the table until she could regain her senses and regain some perspective. Taking a deep breath, she puffed it in and out a few times until she felt the burning ache inside her throat die away, leaving her in full control of her emotions once again. She could handle this. She had to handle this, if only to prove to the others that she too could be emotionless like Grissom. Maybe if she showed less emotion and got on with her job he would find the time to at least speak in a civil manner to her again.

Grissom. His name floated inside her mind, bringing another wave of disappointment. He didn't want her, he'd made that abundantly clear, but she was sure as hell going to make him recognize her for what she was: a damn good CSI.

Shaking off the emotional bonds that bound her heart in a thousand unshed tears, she picked up the photos again, determined more than ever to find this young woman's killer. After all, work was all she had now. So setting each photo down individually, she set about examing each one in minute detail. Maybe she had missed something the first time.

Her pager beeped at her side and she pulled it off her belt to read the text in the small screen. With a heavy sigh, she stood up from her chair to go and face her demons, this time in the guise of the young victim young victims body.

Stepping out into the corridor, she made her way to the morgue.

Grissom saw her when he turned the corner and almost choked on the breath that caught in his throat. He had forgotten the power she still held over him, and to see her again after what seemed like a lifetime held him captive in a state of catatonic eruptions.

He walked slowly towards her, expecting her to look up and offer him a full-blown Sara smile, but she seemed to be focused elsewhere. Her eyes may have been open, guiding her along the corridor, but he was certain she saw with unseeing eyes. As he came closer, he was suddenly struck at how pale she was. The dark circles beneath her eyes stood out against her skin and he found himself fighting to breathe.

"Sara?" he asked softly as he came closer to her, holding out a hand to stop her. She stopped walking and looked blankly up into his eyes. For a second he was thrown into chaos when he saw the anguish in her chocolate brown depths. 

Stepping backwards, she suddenly realized who he was and took a gasping breath. "Oh, Grissom," she said, trying to calm her voice, even though her heart was pumping wildly in her chest. "You're back, you look…different."

"Sara," he smiled warmly, not really knowing how to cope with the feelings that were cascading over his heart like the Niagara Falls. "You look tired."

"Working," she told him quietly, "you know how it is?"

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"I, uh.." taking a further step away, she moved around him. "I have to go."

"Wait," he blurted, his voice a little more desperate than he'd intended. He watched with a mixture of warmth and fear as she turned around to face him. "I…" closing his eyes briefly, he opened them again with a new resolve in his heart, "You need some help? Another set of eyes could be useful."

Sara could feel her body trembling with his words and she cursed herself for being so weak against his hold over her. Gulping visibly, she just nodded silently. If she didn't speak he wouldn't hear the tremble in her voice. Turning again, she felt him come up to walk in step beside her. Neither dared to speak for fear of being discovered, that their inner feelings would be on show for all to see.

Their silence continued as they walked. Grissom chanced a brief glance in her direction only to look away just as quickly when she didn't return his gaze. He knew deep down inside that the damage he had caused to their friendship had become irreparable.

"Did you enjoy your vacation?" she asked quietly, breaking the silence in the air as they walked. Beside her, Grissom felt his heart lurch inside his chest. Her voice drifted through his senses and washed away some of the fear that had lain hidden inside his heart ever since he had known her.

"I," he started softly, knowing she needed to know the truth yet realizing he would hurt her again if he told her now. "I wasn't on vacation," he admitted quietly, watching her intently as she turned her eyes to glance at him, only to turn her head away again.

"Well whatever you were doing," she said softly, "it's good to have you back."

"It is?" he asked with a grin, trying his best to lighten her mood a little. When she didn't respond, he felt the smile fall from his face and wondered again how he could regain the trust she had once shown him.

They walked on in silence until they came to a halt outside the morgue. "What have we got?" he asked cautiously, watching her closely to gage her reaction.

"Young girl," she whispered, shoving the door open with her shoulder to hold it open for him.

Inside David looked up at her and offered her a small smile. "Hey Sara."

"David," she nodded quietly, acknowledging him with a brief smile. Moving aside, she allowed Grissom to move past her, silently watching the huge smile that appeared on David's face.

"Grissom," he spoke softly, "it's good to see you again." 

"Thanks," Grissom muttered a little uncomfortably as he approached the table. "Okay, what have we got?"

"Young girl, raped and murdered," David told him, his eyes scanning over the body of the young female on the table. "She's roughly between the age of 17 and 22."

"You don't know?" Sara asked incredulously as she came to stand beside the victim's body. Looking down over the woman's pale face, she felt the sting of tears reach her eyes and she hurriedly blinked them away. Reaching out a shaking hand, she touched the woman's hair softly, as if trying in some way to find her killer with a simple touch. "Someone must miss her," she whispered. "She's someone's daughter."

Grissom watched worriedly as she pulled her hand away, to hang limply by her side. He had seen her like this before and it scared him deeply. Taking a breath, he tried to calm his breathing until the fears started to subside a little. "Sara, why don't you let me handle this?"

"Why?" she asked defensively, "I'm okay, I have been working to find out who she is for the last 3 days." Staring down at his hand that crept closer to her arm, she took a step backwards, moving away from his touch. "I will not abandon her," she told him, her voice low with humming anger. "I am all she has now, and I'll be damned if I let you take that away from me." 

"Sara?" he whispered quietly, straining to hear her over the thumping of his heart in his ears. "I didn't mean…"

She looked away from him, her anger slipping away as quickly as it had arrived. "I'm sorry," she sighed, "I'm tired that's all, I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."

"It's okay," he told her soothingly, "all I meant was why don't you see if she's been reported missing? After all, you said someone must miss her."

"Yeah," she nodded, suddenly wishing the ground would open up and swallow her whole. "I think I will." Turning away, she moved towards the door and made good her escape, needing to put the distance between them.

An awkward silence hung in the air as Grissom turned slowly back to David's shocked face. "Okay, let's start with finding out how she died…"

TBC….


	2. 2

Thank you to everyone for their reviews. I tried to have a break from writing but my brain wouldn't let me!...

Half an hour later, Grissom came to a slow stop outside of the computer room. Hovering in the doorway for a few seconds, he debated with himself before entering inside. "Hey," he said softly.

Sara's head snapped up quickly, squinting the dizziness from her eyes. "I, er, I haven't found anything yet. I've been searching for her for the last 3 days, and still nothing." She told him hopelessly. "How can someone not know their daughter is missing?"

He sighed heavily as he came in to take the seat beside her. He couldn't hide the fact that he was deeply concerned that she would soon burn herself out just like she had done not so long ago. "Sara," he started quietly, causing her to turn towards him questioningly. "How are you handling this?"

"Fine," she snapped, and turned back towards the screen again.

"Okay," he tried again, "So when do you sleep?"

"I don't sleep."

"Everyone sleeps," he protested, shifting a little closer. "Look, I'm worried about you…"

"You?" she laughed, her voice dripping with barely contained sarcasm, "Worried about me?"

"Yeah."

"Don't be," she told him, "I'm fine. I'll sleep when I have to."

"Sara?"

"Look," she groaned softly, dropping her hands from the keyboard to fall into her lap. Her heart swam with his stinging rejection, the humiliation still raw inside her. "I owe you an apology."

"Me? What for?" He watched her face pale even further as she closed her eyes slowly and found his hand hovering over hers, but pulled it away again when she struggled to speak.

"I'm sorry I asked you to," she stopped, took a breath before trying again. "I shouldn't have asked you to have dinner with me. It was unprofessional and I apologize." Keeping her eyes carefully averted from his, she continued in what she hoped was a convincing voice. "If I've made you uncomfortable working with me, I'll understand if you want me to transfer to another department. Just don't make it some place that you know I'll hate, okay?" 

"Sara.." his voice was barely audible over his tumbling emotions that reared up into his eyes. How could she even think he'd do that to her? Didn't she know him at all? He struggled with so many different words, but none sounded appropriate for the situation. So, taking a breath, he settled on something simple, "I don't want you to transfer."

Sara's heart ached when she heard his strained voice in her ears. She had thought that at one time they'd shared a special connection, but after his behavior over the last year, she doubted very much that it had been real at all. Nodding curtly, she avoided turning to look into his eyes, knowing that he would read hers so easily. So silently, she returned her hands to the keyboard and prayed he would leave her alone, leaving her to deal and move on.

Grissom watched her silently for a few moments before finding the courage to speak her name. He hadn't expected her to be so edgy with him. He had hoped blindly that he could have returned back to the lab, healthy and whole and somehow erase the last year as if it had never happened. "I'm sorry," he whispered softly, seeing her automatically stiffen with his words.

"You don't have to apologize to me Grissom," she told him calmly, even though inside she was trembling like a leaf.

"Yeah, I think I do," he sighed sadly. Lifting up a tentative hand, he placed it on her shoulder. The heat from her body seeped into his fingers bringing him a momentary relief from the coldness that had surrounded his heart for so many lonely years. He could see the inner battle within her eyes when she suddenly turned to watch him. "I have been so immersed in my own personal demons that I neglected to notice that I'd failed you as a friend."

"It's okay," she whispered, nodding slowly when she realized that for him this was a huge step. Some of the sorrow slipped away from her heart and she suddenly realized that she would rather have him in her life as a friend instead of not having him at all. Reaching up her hand, she squeezed his fingers on her shoulder and offered him a small smile. "You don't have to apologize to me, but thanks anyway."

Letting out the breath he hadn't realized he was holding, Grissom linked his fingers through hers. Taking their joined hands, he placed them to his lips for a brief kiss before releasing her. "Are we going to be okay?"

"Yeah," she smiled, her first genuine smile in a very long time. "I think we are."

Offering her a smile of his own, he pushed back in his chair and stood up beside her. "I'll be in Trace if you need me."

"Okay," she nodded, her voice shattering into shock as she turned back to the screen. Maybe there was some brief hope after all. Maybe they could salvage the friendship they once had.

Grissom stepped away from her and turned around to walk towards the door. He looked back inside briefly before leaving the room. For the first time in over a year, his heart released a huge weight of heaviness and regret. He hoped they could be friends again before they took a tentative step forward. A major step that he realized would come to them sooner or later, knowing that he was losing himself to her more and more each day.

When she was once again alone, Sara sat back in her chair. Looking down at her fingers, they still burned from his kiss and she found herself lifting her hand to press them to her lips. Closing her eyes, she sniffed back the sudden tears that threatened to engulf her. Shaking herself mentally, she returned to the screen and began sifting through the lists of missing persons, hoping she could end this torment for the girls family as well as her own.

An hour later, Grissom finally made it back from the Trace lab and into his office. He had been stopped by what seemed to be every single employee in the entire lab that offered him welcome backs and mentioned his new appearance. Closing his office door, he walked over to his desk and sank into the chair behind it. A knock sounded on his door and he looked up with a resounding groan. "Yeah?"

The door opened slowly and Sara poked her head around the door, her expression one of excitement and relief, "I found her."

"Come in," he grinned, motioning her to come closer. "Close the door behind you," he murmured, cautiously trying to see behind her.

"It's okay," she grinned, her obvious delight shining in her eyes. "I headed them all off at the door. I told them you were busy."

"Thanks," he sighed gratefully before smiling up into her eyes.

The intimacy of the situation suddenly rang alarm bells inside her heart. The last thing she wanted was to show him too much of herself too soon and lose him again, so she let the smile fall from her face and returned to business. "Brass is waiting for me outside. Do you want to come with us to see her parents?"

"I have to handle things here," he sighed, "will you be all right?"

"Of course," she told him as she plastered a false smile onto her face. "I'll see you later."

"Sara," he called before she reached the door. His voice stopped her in mid flow and she turned around to watch him intently. "If this becomes too much…."

"It won't," she told him, shaking her head as she pulled his door open.

"If it does Sara, promise me you will step away?"

His words sank into her heart and for one brief moment she almost admitted how much this case was affecting her, instead nodded silently, hoping he hadn't seen the flicker of doubt flash inside her eyes. Closing his door again, she took a deep breath and pushed the smile back to her lips. She could do this.


	3. 3

Sara had been unprepared for the unleashing emotions that the young girls parents omitted in her direction. Laura Jones had only just turned 17. Her parents had reached out to Sara for answers and she found herself being dragged down further into her nightmares.

"Mrs. Jones," Brass started, his voice sympathetic, "it would help us if you could give us the names and addresses of your daughters friends."

Laura's mother didn't seem to hear him; instead she focused her attention on Sara. "She's such a good girl," she smiled, her motherly pride shining through her words. "Here, let me find my photo album."

"Mrs. Jones?" Sara spoke softly as she reached out a hand to still her movements, "I'm so sorry for your loss and I want you to know that I will not rest until I find the person who did this to her." Sara could feel her already weakening resolve slipping away when Laura's mother sat back down onto the couch as if she had just realized her daughter wasn't coming home.

"I…" Mr. Jones started, his attention directed towards Jim Brass as he spoke. "I…she's just a baby. My baby girl…" his voice trailed off into whimpered gasps, only stopping when he sucked in a breath to calm himself. "I can find those names for you."

"It's okay," Brass nodded, his voice low with sympathy, "take your time."

Standing abruptly, Laura's father rushed away from the three people in his living room to seek sanctuary away from them so he could unleash his grief in private.

"Mrs. Jones?" Sara asked softly, reaching out a hand to squeeze the older woman's fingers reassuringly.

"Livvie," she answered, looking directly into Sara's eyes, "call me Livvie."

"Okay, Livvie," Sara smiled sadly, "is there someone you want me to call for you?"

"Just me and Freddie," she whispered, unaware of the tear that tracked its way down her cheek. "We don't have anyone else."

"Well," Sara whispered sadly, shifting a little closer to her, "now you have me and I promise you I will find the person who did this to Laura." Sitting back, Sara delved into her pocket to pull out a card with her contact numbers listed on it. "You can reach me on any one of these, alright?"

Reaching out a trembling hand, Mrs. Jones took the card gently, and then looked down at it as she tried to focus through her tears. "Thank you," she whispered, "Sara? That's Laura's middle name, but she has a 'h', she…."her voice broke suddenly and she dissolved into sorrow, her emotions wracking her small frame with sobs.

Fred Jones came back into the room, his own face flushed with raw emotions. Handing the paper to Brass, he moved over towards his wife and sat down beside her to pull her into his arms. Standing up, Sara moved away from them, her own eyes simmering with tears. "I'll, um, I'll be in touch when I find anything."

"Thank you," Fred mouthed silently to her as he comforted his near hysterical wife beside him. Sara nodded and moved towards Brass as they made their way to the entrance. Once outside, Sara took in a deep cleansing breath. She tried to hide the fact that this case was affecting her in so many more ways that any other.

"You know sometimes I really hate this job," Brass muttered, glancing over towards her briefly as he spoke.

"Yeah," she sighed shakily, "me too."

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she told him, maybe a little too brightly for his liking, but she hid herself behind her mask, nodding if only to punctuate the gesture. "I'll see you at the lab." 

"Sure," he nodded, watching her silently as she made her way towards her Tahoe and climb in. He had no doubt in his mind that this case was bothering her way too much, and he decided to take it up with Grissom as soon as he had a chance.

Sara arrived back in the Lab parking lot and took a long weary breath. Looking down at her shaking hands, she tried to steady her trembling body as the memory of the outpouring devastation of Laura's parents cut her deeply. How could people survive such grief? Closing her eyes, she tried to blank the image from her mind, but the stinging tears that it brought with it refused to leave her.  She cursed herself angrily as she swiped at her eyes. Shaking away the remnants of the last hour, Sara calmed her trembling body and stepped out of her Tahoe. She had to get through this if she was going to prove to everyone here that she could handle the job.

When she walked in through the lab doors, she was taken aback by Greg rushing up towards her and grabbing hold of her elbow pulling her with him into the DNA lab.

"Greg?" she gasped, trying to yank her arm from his grip.

"You're gonna love this," he grinned. Letting go of her arm, he steered her around to the other side of his desk. "I got a hit on your victims attacker."

For a moment, Sara watched his mouth move, unable to process what she was hearing. "You have?" she asked cautiously, knowing that she should feel overjoyed with this new development, but she couldn't seem to scrounge up the tiniest piece of delight.

"Yeah," holding up the DNA results he watched quietly as she scanned the paper in her hands.

"Martin Clark?" she asked in disbelief, "The same Martin Clark…?"

"Yeah, the same one who's only been out of prison for 2 weeks."

"Dammit," she gasped miserably and slammed the paper down towards her thighs. "He should have been locked up for life, I warned them! Didn't I warn them?" Turning around she stomped out of the lab to go in search of Grissom, her now vibrant anger fuelling her desire to bring this case to an end.

Grissom met her halfway down the corridor, linking his arm through hers quickly to halt her angry strides so he could try to calm her down. "I know you're angry…"

"Angry?" she seethed, waving the paper in the air as she spoke. "Ecklie knew he was dangerous, yet he wasn't prepared to go the extra mile and dig deeper. Now this bastard has raped and murdered a young woman. And might I add I have just told two devastated parents that their daughter won't be coming home to them, ever."

"Sara, calm down," Grissom told her, pulling her into his office away from the prying eyes who had started to watch her heated words rising through the hallway.

Once inside, he closed the door and stood directly in front of her. "I want you off this case."

Sara's eyes tore into his, her anger sparking heatedly with each word. "No."

"This isn't up for discussion," he snapped, grabbing hold of her arms to keep her from storming out of his office.

"You can't do this," she told him, her voice lowering to a whisper as she tried to fight the building wall of emotion rising over her heart. "I promised them."

"Sara," he started, his voice soft as he glided one hand up her arm to her shoulder. "I can see what this is doing to you."

"I'm all they have," she whimpered brokenly as her eyes welled up with tears, "you don't understand, I can't…" Despite trying so hard to keep the salty wetness from overflowing, she found she couldn't control the outpouring of intense emotions. One tear followed another, creating a tidal wave of sorrow that refused to be silenced.

Grissom stepped a little closer towards her, his need to comfort her overwhelming his screaming mind. The hand on her shoulder found its way into her hair while his other hand slid around her back as he slowly tugged her towards him.


	4. 4

For a moment, Sara kept very still. Her heart was screaming at her to respond to his embrace and sink into his chest, but her mind was yelling out that this was yet another figment of her imagination. He wasn't really here holding her. He was just some conjured- up image that her tired mind had created so that she would be able to deal with this case. Yes that was it. Then why was she seeking the comfort of an imaginary Grissom? If he wasn't here, then was she asleep?

"Sara?" he whispered, his low voice husky against her ears. Closing her eyes, Sara tried to memorize every detail of this beautiful mirage, if anything it would live with her forever, something she could recall when the lonely nights came back to claim her nightmarish dark and bleak dreams.

Grissom wrapped his arms tightly around her and pulled her against his chest. The feel of her body against his caused his heart to beat rapidly inside. Having her so close to him was reaping havoc inside his mind, enticing his feelings for her to come simmering up to the surface. "Honey it's okay," he whispered, the sweet endearment coming so easily to his lips.

"You're not here," she whispered into his chest as her cold body soaked up his warmth.

"Of course I'm here," he smiled, pulling her closer just to prove to her he was real.

Lifting her head slightly, she found his eyes with her own. He smiled down at her, his warm breath fanning her face and for a brief moment she could have gladly lost herself in his eyes. Reaching down, he wiped her tears away with his thumbs, his gentle caress causing her eyes to flutter closed.

Sara found herself overcome with his tenderness. He was here, offering her so much of himself freely, and that increased her sadness even more. How long would it be before realization dawned and back away from her yet again? Reaching up to his fingers on her face, she wrapped her own around his hands and pulled them away. Their hands still linked, she took a step back. "Thank you."

"Sara…"

"Grissom" she whispered, silencing his words, "I'm trying to stop feeling the way I do." Releasing his hands she turned away from him.

Grissom watched her carefully, his own heart calling out for him to reach out and pull her back into his arms and reassure her that he did want her. His own feelings refused to leave his tattered soul as they came to his heart with a full and steady rush. "Sara, please listen to me," he started, stepping closer towards her. "I don't know what to do."

"I know," she whispered tearfully, knowing this was just another painful rejection to add to her first. "It's not easy falling out of love with someone. I wish it was Grissom. I'm trying, I really am."

Grissom's heart did a double take. Did she just say love? He could feel his pulse rate rising in his ears as he tried to control his breathing. "Sara please?" Reaching out to her, he placed both hands on her shoulders and turned her around to face him.

"I can't get over you if you keep doing this to me," she told him, her voice bordering on anger. Stepping away from him, she reached a hand up to swipe away the tears that had left their wet tracks down her cheeks. Composing herself, she took a deep breath and straightened up. "Okay, I guess look like hell don't I?"

Grissom watched her with new eyes. Here she was thinking that he didn't return her feelings and now all he needed was her. "You look beautiful," he whispered, causing her eyes to dart up into his. He could see her doubts and he could see the fear burning deeply inside of them. Taking a step closer, he took a hold of her hand. He wrapped his fingers around hers and pulled her closer towards him. "How are you really?"

"Fine," she nodded, forcing a smile to her face. "This case is hard, but I'm okay with it."

"Sara…" he warned worriedly as his eyes drifted to their joined hands. Sara watched him with a newfound awareness. In all the years she had known him, he had never before touched her so intimately as he had done in the past few hours. "Thanks Griss," she whispered quietly. She needed to pull away but his intoxicating essence kept her senses alive, coaxing her closer to his warmth. Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest that she would almost swear he could hear it. She needed to put some distance between them if she was going to deal with their situation, so pulling away from him, she released his hand and stepped backwards.

"I should go," she told him quietly, stepping backwards towards his door. "I'm sorry about all this," she whispered, waving her hand around the space between them.

Silence hung in the air as she turned from him to head towards his door and Grissom could feel the emptiness creeping up into his heart.

"Sara…"

Turning quickly, she watched him cautiously. He had been so warm and so tender, so un-Grissom like and she wasn't sure she knew how she should react to him. She remained silent, waiting for him to speak, knowing that he was struggling to find something to say.

"Where are you going?" he asked feebly, as his heart screamed out at him to tell her the truth just this once, but he silenced it once more into submission. 

"Well first I'm gonna call the Jones' and tell them the news," she told him matter of factly. "Then I'm gonna wait for Brass to bring that bastard in for questioning, and then," her voice dropped lower to an angry hiss, "I'm gonna find Ecklie and kick his ass." 

Grissom was stunned for a moment, kicking Ecklie's ass was something he would have liked to see, but in her present state he knew she was like a time bomb ready to blow at any second. Thinking quickly, he called out to her again as she opened the door. "Can I at least go with you?"

Sara stopped dead in her tracks, this conversation leaving remnance of a similar one they had not so long ago. She knew he was trying to get back to the way they used to be, but maybe she couldn't feel that way anymore. "You're the supervisor Grissom, you don't have to ask me."

"I know," he nodded, slightly taken aback by her tone. 

"Look Griss," she whispered, her body and mind too tired to argue, "we're friends again okay, you've made it clear that's all we'll ever be, so can we please just get this over with and move on?" Walking out into the corridor, she turned to wait for him to follow.

Grissom's heart sank into the pit of his stomach, but he remained silent, unable to react to her words. Walking over to join her, they walked silently side by side. Soon Brass would bring Martin Clark in, and the Jones' would be coming in to make a formal identification. When this was all over then maybe they could put the past behind them and start anew.

TBC…..


	5. 5

Huge thanks to everyone for the reviews. Next update may be in a day or two. RL calls!!

Sara's cell phone rang at her side, and she pulled it off of her belt and placed it against her ear, "Sidle."

Grissom watched her in silence as her face paled, and her pace slowed. "I don't think that's such a good idea at the moment Livvie."

Tapping her on the shoulder to gain her attention, he silently mouthed that he would be in trace when she was ready. Reaching out a hand, she stopped him from moving, her eyes darting to his worriedly. "Livvie listen to me, we found the man who did this to Laura, yes…no I didn't. I will, I promise." Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes to hide the pooling tears that had collected themselves in her depths. "When you arrive, ask for me at the front desk and I'll come in with you and your husband. Okay, no you don't owe me anything; I'm just doing my job. See you in an hour, bye."

"That was the girls parents?" he asked apprehensively.

"Yeah, her mother," Sara told him quietly as she closed off her phone and returned it to her belt.

"Sara, I don't think it's such a good idea for you to be this close to them."

"They need me," she told him incredulously, "I wish I had someone to care when I…." She stopped suddenly, halting her words before she revealed too much to him. Breaking away from his eyes, she started to walk along the corridor again, leaving her unfinished sentence hanging in the air.

He watched her for a moment before he turned to follow her, knowing that there was more to Sara Sidle than she let anyone be privy to. 

Catchingup to her, he fell in step beside Sara. He could see the determination shining from her eyes and her lips twitching, just as it always did when she was deep in concentration.

"Hey you okay?" he asked softly, jarring her away from her musings to turn her head slowly towards him.

"Huh?" she asked, confusion in her eyes. "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"Yes," he smiled softly, something he had been doing a lot of in the past few hours. "I asked if you are okay?"

"Oh," she whispered, averting her eyes away from him.

"So are you?" he pressed, leaning in closer to bump into her shoulder as they walked.

Sara couldn't remember how many times she had wished for him to notice her in the past 3 years. Everything had seemed to be such a distant memory now, she'd almost started to believe she was actually going crazy. What did he expect her to say? How could she tell him the question's flowing inside her mind: 'I love you, I've missed you, take me home with you and make love to me and hold me forever?' For the briefest of moments she actually could picture his reaction in her mind, and it brought a slight flush to her face. Shaking off his stunned image from her mind, she chanced a look into his eyes, "I'm fine."

Grissom took a deep defeated breath as she turned away from him again. He could feel his heart sink further into his chest with every step they took towards the Trace lab. He was so close to her now, close enough to touch her, but at the same time he had never felt so much distance between them. "Sara," he started, his voice uncertain. "I think…"

Something beeped at Sara's side, cutting through his words before he could finish. Holding it up she read the text. "Brass has brought our guy in," she told him, eyeing him cautiously before replacing the pager onto her belt. Turning away from him, she waved a hand in the air behind her. "I have to go."

"Sara?" he called, causing her to turn back towards him. "Don't start without me okay?"

Her name on his lips sounded heavenly to her ears, but she pushed those intruding thoughts away. In all of the confusion, her feelings had still managed to remain intact, their presence at times dominating her senses to the point where she could hardly breathe. Nodding slowly, she pursed her lips in her trademark Sara smirk. "Don't take too long."

"Five minutes, tops," he smiled, holding up his fingers to punctuate the words.

"Five, I got it," she grinned, releasing some of her simmering feelings into her smile, only to retrieve the wayward emotions before he had a chance to see them. Turning away from him, she went in search of Brass.

Watching her departure, Grissom suddenly felt very lost. He had to mend the damage he'd caused. He had to prove to her that he was ready to discover what his life would be like with Sara playing an integral part in it. After shift, he vowed. He would start making things right again as soon as work was over.

Sara's pace slowed as she approached Brass. He was staring in through the glass windows to the man who was sitting behind the table carefully kept under police supervision.

"Hey," she said quietly as she came to stand beside him.

"Hi Sara," he nodded, his eyes searching her pale features. "You alright?"

"Why does everyone assume I can't handle this case?" she muttered, anger flaring in her eyes.

"Hey, calm down," Brass told her, taking a step back "I'm the good guy here."

"Sorry," she sighed, her deflated emotions leaving her eyes, "I've got Laura's parents coming in soon to ID her."

"Yeah I heard," he nodded, " Sometimes I wonder why I do what I do, you know? I mean we catch the bad guys and bring them to justice, but when does the suffering end?" 

"It doesn't," she whispered wistfully, her eyes drawn towards the man being held prisoner inside the small room. 

Her words cast an eerie tremble to course its way through his veins. Pushing it aside, he nudged her arm." Come on, lets get this over with," he told her, heading towards the door.

"Grissom said…"

"Grissom's here," a voice spoke behind her, causing her to turn. He held up the file in his hand, as if offering her a part of himself. "We have what we need."

"We do?" she beamed, relief washing through her heart. 

"You did it Sara," he told her proudly, "Your evidence and your work brought us here."

Sara's eyes met his, holding the link that bound them together. For that one piece of eternity, so many silent words passed through their eyes bringing with them a certain mutual understanding. Dragging her eyes away from his gaze, Sara turned towards Brass. "It's time."

"Yeah it is," he nodded, stepping closer to the glass barrier that held the victims murderer inside. Opening the door for her, he waited until she was ready before walking in behind her as they both entered into the room.  Grissom held back for a moment, content to watch her bring the murderer under her fiery stare. She held her head high to reach above the work, and above the misery that surrounded them every day and he couldn't have ever been more proud of her than he was right now. With a smile tugging at his lips, he entered the room and moved across to take his seat beside her.

Sara watched the suspect, who sat opposite her across the table, with unwavering eyes. She could almost feel his already cracking shell of denial as she continued her silent accusations.

"So, care to tell us where you were between 10 and 12 p.m. on April 21st" Brass asked, circling around to come to a standstill beside Sara.

"I.." he started, then swallowed his words. Looking away from Sara's eyes, he lifted his own towards Brass, "I want a lawyer."

"Oh,so now you want a lawyer?" Sara asked coldly, her seething anger cutting through her voice with words that would bring any grown man to his knees. "What about Laura Jones? What does she get?"

"Who?" Clark asked, his voice sounding innocent but his eyes betraying his guilt.

"The young girl you raped and murdered," Brass told him, keeping his voice low as he spoke. "We all know you killed her."

"I don't know what you're all talking about," Clark told them, his lips turning up into a smile.

Grissom watched quietly from his place beside Sara. He knew she was angry by the way she chewed the inside of her lip, but even he had been unprepared for her next action.

"Dammit you asshole," she seethed, standing to her feet to slam her fist on the table causing all three men in the room to gasp in surprise. "She was 17. Do you hear me you bastard?! 17!"

Standing up beside her, Grissom reached out to touch her arm, "I think we should all take a break. Brass maybe now is a good time for you to call him a lawyer." Pulling on Sara's arm, he ushered her out of the doorway and into the hall.

"He did it," she groaned as soon as they were outside, "He did it and he doesn't even care." Throwing her arms in the air she started to pace the few feet between them like a caged tiger searching for its freedom. "Dammit Grissom, he's guilty."

"I know," Grissom told her, trying his best to sooth her with his voice. "We have the evidence we need to put him away for a very long time, but you need to calm down."

"Calm down?" she asked incredulously as she turned on him, her eyes blazing. "Tell that to her parents. Tell them to stop grieving and get on with it, because you might as well be saying that to me"

"That's not what I meant and you know it," he snapped, furious more with the situation than he was with anything else. Reaching out to her arms, he held her firmly to stop her pacing. "Sara.." he said softly, her name a sigh on his lips.

"I know, I know," she whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke. "I'm sorry, none of this is your fault."

Grissom had to fight the urge to pull her into his arms and hold her against him. At this moment in time all he wanted to do was to take her pain away and replace it with everything he ached to give her. He knew what she had meant by her double meaning, and although she may have succeeded in masking her pain from everyone else, he could see it clearly in her eyes.

"Want to get a coffee or something?" he asked softly, sliding his hands up her arms as he spoke. He opened his fingers, gliding along her skin until he came up to cup her face with his palms.

His touch set her aflame, and she almost gave in to the security of his arms, but instead she pulled away from him to slowly bring his hands from her face "I'm okay," she nodded.

"You sure?" he asked softly as he once again fought the urge to touch her.

Sara was suddenly struck by the tenderness in his voice and realized why she had fallen so deeply for him. Lifting her eyes to his once more, she offered him a small smile before reaching out a hand to squeeze his fingers. "I'm fine."

"Okay," he told her, his eyes lighting up with a smile as he moved back towards the door. "You ready?"

"I am," she smiled.

"No more wayward emotions?" he asked cautiously.

"Trust me?" she grinned, stepping closer towards the door, which he had started to open. Before she could move past him, he leaned in close to her ear, whispering the words that would stay with her forever.

"With my life," he said softly, then just as quickly pushed open the door and waited for her to join him. Sara's heart almost stopped beating when she heard his whispered confession, and for a moment she was torn between surrendering to her overpowering feelings for him; the same feelings that had consumed her whole for the last 3 years, or to try and push them away. No matter how many times he had hurt her, she still couldn't banish him from her heart completely. She was rapidly coming to the conclusion that she should stop fighting and enjoy the feelings while they lasted; this time tomorrow he would probably revert back to his old ways. She could enjoy his warmth while still guarding her heart. So, offering him her best Sara smile, she moved gracefully inside the room and took her place by his side. 

TBC……..


	6. 6

Huge Thanks for all of your reviews, you guys are great…

"Mr. Clark," Grissom started, keeping his voice leveled as he spoke. "I have here some fibers from the victim." Placing the sealed evidence bag onto the table, he turned his eyes toward Sara briefly before continuing. "I also have the DNA results from the victim. The semen found in and on her body is a perfect match to yours."

"I have no idea how that got there," Clark told them, his eyes trained on Sara's while hiding behind a smirk as he spoke.

"How it got there?" Sara started, her anger rising inside her eyes as she turned on him. Beside her, Grissom reached for her arm, touching her elbow briefly, his intention to calm her. Taking a breath, she closed her eyes briefly before continuing… this time relatively calmer than before. "Tell me something?" she asked, directing her words towards the suspect. "Why her?"

"My client doesn't have to answer that question," his lawyer answered.

"Well I'd just like to know," Sara answered with an acid sweet smile, "You know, just for me."

"As I said, my client…"

"You're feisty, I like that," Clark answered; forgetting momentarily that his innocent mask had slipped from his face. Leaning forward across the table, his hands clasped loosely together, he eyed Sara carefully, grinning as he spoke. "She was feisty too."

 Beside him his lawyer leaned back in his chair, and rubbed his hand over his eyes. "For the record I want it noted that I did not council my client to say anything that might implicate his guilt."

"Duly noted," Brass nodded. "Arrest him," he told the officer beside him, "Get him out of here."

"I would have liked you," Clark grinned, directing his gaze at Sara as he was pulled to his feet. "Would you scream like she did? Would you beg and plead for your life?"

Sara watched stunned, unable to draw away from the snare of his eyes. She could feel her entire body starting to tremble inside her. She recognized the look in those eyes. They bore a resemblance to the menacing cold stare of so long ago, ice cold and emotionless, eyes that still haunted her dreams.

Clark licked his lips suggestively, causing her to take a step forward, her anger fuelling her actions. Beside her, Grissom moved in front of her, shielding her body from the evil…. that tried to claim her emotions. "Get him out of here Jim," he growled angrily.

Clark looked behind him as the officers moved him through the doors, a slight smile still lingering on his lips. When he was out of sight, Grissom turned around to chance a look at the woman behind him. "Hey, you okay?"

"Fine," she whispered, avoiding his eyes. Her heart was racing inside her chest and she tried desperately to keep the nausea from rising up inside her throat. Her own personal nightmare had happened over 17 years ago. Today's events only proved to her that the wounds were still very raw. "I…" she started, her pulse thumping inside her ears, "Excuse me…"

Both Grissom and Brass watched her as she rushed from the room with lightning speed, hand over her mouth. "What was all that about?" Brass asked worriedly.

"I don't know," Grissom replied, his own heart screaming at him to follow her, "I'll catalogue this evidence and then I'll talk to her."

"She's a damn good CSI," Brass nodded sadly as he walked towards the door, turning back slowly before offering Grissom a smile, "You know I'm not one to interfere Gil, but I think that maybe you need to open your eyes." 

"Meaning?" Grissom asked cautiously.

"I'm just observing," Brass nodded. "I saw her reaction today with the victim's parents. She was holding her own, but there was still something there." Leaning back on the door he rubbed a tired hand over his face, "I'm only telling you because you and her seem close."

"Thanks," Grissom nodded, gathering the bagged evidence from the table before stepping over to join him. "I'll talk to her."

Brass sighed heavily as he moved away from the doorway and walked down the corridor. Grissom's feelings were in complete turmoil as he reached up to click off the light. Something was wrong with Sara, something that she had hidden so well that no one, not even himself, would have ever guessed. He'd had his own suspicions of course, but maybe he was just too afraid to acknowledge what may have caused her to react in the way she did. Stepping out into the hallway, he went in search of Sara, hoping he could help her deal with the aftermath of this case. 

Sara stared at her reflection in the washroom mirror. She gasped at the woman staring back at her. Was this really her? When had the dark shadows appeared beneath her eyes? When had her skin turned so pale? Turning on the cold tap, she bent down to splash some of the cool droplets onto her face to bring her completely awake. Her dreams may haunt her when she was dragged down into slumber, but she had always vowed she would never let them cross into her waking world. Taking a deep cleansing breath, she allowed her tough mask to fall once again over her eyes and stepped defiantly over towards the door. Pulling it open, she held her head high as she exited the room, determined to prove to herself and to everyone else that she was fully capable of controlling her emotions.

Making her way over towards the break room, she caught sight of Nick coming towards her carrying a can of soda. "Hey," he grinned, obviously pleased to see her.

"Hi Nick," she nodded, unconsciously holding her breath for his comments on her unprofessional actions, but none came.

"You okay?" he asked worriedly, "You don't look too good."

"I'm fine," she told him, releasing the breath she was holding before smiling reassuringly.

"You sure?"

"I'm good," she told him, rewarding him with her full Sara smile. "I have to go."

"Okay," he nodded, grinning back his own answer to her charms, "later."

Walking past him, Sara continued on, intending to take a slight detour to the exit to take a refreshing breath of the cool early morning air. With her destination in sight, she marched purposely forward until she was met with the sad eyes of Livvie Jones.

"Oh," she almost gasped, "you're here." Looking down at her watch, Sara looked back up into Mrs. Jones' eyes, "Did I miss your call? I'm sorry, I was…"

"No," Livvie told her tearfully, "I wanted to see Laura, I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay," Sara told her gently, moving closer to touch her arm, "Listen why don't you just wait here for me for a few minutes and I'll see if it's okay for you to see her yet."

"Thank you," Livvie nodded thankfully, reaching out to hold onto her with desperate hands.

Somewhere behind Sara, Grissom spotted her. Quickening his pace he walked up to stand beside her, "Sara could I have a word with you?"

Sara broke her eyes away from the woman before her and looked over at him. "Grissom," she whispered gratefully, her relief to see him pouring over into her eyes. "This is Mrs. Jones, Laura's mother."

Grissom was just about to ask 'Laura', when he suddenly realized and stepped forward to offer her his hand. "Mrs. Jones, I am so sorry for your loss."

"Thank you," she nodded sadly, her eyes scanning over his features before she offered him a small smile. 

"Grissom, Livvie wants to see Laura, do you think you could arrange that for her?" Sara watched him with silent communication, hoping that he would understand her wordless request. 

"Of course," he smiled, reaching out to give her elbow a gentle squeeze before releasing her it to walk back into the direction he had came.

"He seems like a nice man," Livvie told her quietly. 

"Who Grissom?" Sara asked with a smile as she looked over her shoulder to watch his retreating form. "Yeah, yeah he is." Turning back, Sara squeezed Livvie's hand reassuringly, "Where's your husband?"

"Oh, he's outside," she whispered quietly, "he needed to finish his cigarette."

"Oh okay," Sara nodded sadly, her whole body protesting its tiredness as she pushed the fatigue away. "You want to sit down for a while?"

"No," Livvie shook her head quickly, "thank you, I've been sitting down for too long."

"It shouldn't be much longer now," Sara told her softly, "Would you like some coffee or something?"

"You're such a sweet girl," Livvie told her, a grateful smile reaching her lips. "I just wish I could wake up."

For a moment Sara looked into her eyes slightly confused until she realized the meaning of Livvie's words. "I know that feeling," she sighed, "I wish I could do something to help you."

"You have helped," a voice spoke from behind them. Both women turned to see Fred Jones coming in through the doors to join his wife.

"Mr. Jones," Sara nodded, pulling her hand away from Livvie's to touch his arm gently, "how are you coping sir?"

"Oh my dear," he smiled, patting her hand on his arm, "the last time I was called Sir was a very long time ago. Call me Fred."

"Okay, Fred," she smiled, nodding.

Sara could feel Grissom's presence before she actually saw him. Turning around slowly, she met his eyes as he approached her. His concern touched her deeply and for a heartbeat she would have willingly drowned in his eyes. Turning away from him, she clasped Livvie's hand in hers, "Are you ready?"

Turning to her husband, Livvie reached out to him with her free hand, "Freddie," she whispered tearfully.

"It's alright Liv," he nodded, taking her hand protectively in his. Sara released Livvie's hand and stood slightly away from them as she urged them towards Grissom. 

"Mr. and Mrs. Jones," he nodded respectably, "if you would like to follow me."

"Wait," Livvie said quickly, turning to face Sara, "you're coming too aren't you?"

"Of course," Sara nodded, pushing a smile to her lips. "I'll be right with you."

"Thank you," Livvie nodded, and started walking again. Grissom fell into step with the elder couple that were clinging to each other with every step that took them closer to their daughter. Casting a backwards glance, Grissom offered Sara a reassuring smile, one which offered her his support for as long as she needed.

Coming to a stop outside of the morgue, Grissom stepped aside to open the door for them. He caught Sara's arm before she could follow them inside. His gentle touch startled her for a second. "Are you sure you want to do this?" he whispered.

"They need me," she nodded, her hand coming up to his hand on her arm to squeeze his fingers in reassurance.

"If it gets too much I want you out of there?"

"I'll be fine," she smiled, "you don't have to stay."

"I know," he nodded, "but I want to." Taking a breath, he tried to cover up his affection with another sentence that only punctuated the first, pulling him deeper into her eyes. "I'll be right outside okay?"

"Sure," she smiled, watching his eyes with some simmering feelings of her own. "Thanks Grissom."

Releasing her hand, he stepped back to watch her enter the morgue. The closing door provided the boundary he needed to calm his soaring heart rate that shot through his senses whenever he was near her. Since his absence from the lab she had been on his mind every second of every day. He was acutely aware of his growing feelings for her, and his time away had only increased his aching need to see her. Stepping forward, he peered through the small glass window that provided a shard of light highlighting the two grieving parents. His eyes drifted over towards Sara who stood a little away from them, her arms wrapped around her waist as she struggled for control.

For a moment he fought with the urge to go to her. He knew she had to prove to everyone that she could do this, so with a heavy sigh, he backed away from the door to lean up against the wall. She needed his support as much as his trust, and he was going to make sure she knew that she had both, and more, for as long as she wanted.

Tbc………


	7. 7

Thanks as always for the reviews. Huge thanks to Marlou for beta-ing for me

Sara watched helplessly as Fred Jones clung to his wife in a desperate embrace. He had been trying so hard to be strong for her, but the intense grief had won and slithered through his battling defenses bringing himself to a near collapse. Stepping away from the lifeless body that laid before them, they held onto each other with intense grief.

Doc Robbins stepped closer towards the table and lifted the white sheet back over their daughter's body, offering them a sympathetic gaze before tuning his attention to Sara. Tearing her eyes away from the scene before her, she met his eyes with understanding and nodded briefly.

"Livvie, Fred, let's get you out of here," she told them gently as she stepped closer to the pair. "Come on, I'll see about getting you both home."

Taking a deep breath, Fred Jones stood up a little and tried to compose himself, putting up a facade for his wife to draw strength from; something she sorely needed. Nodding slightly, he turned his body to keep a comforting arm wrapped around Livvie's shoulders and held them both upright as he walked them towards the door.

"Thank you," he whispered, his voice controlled with pain, "for everything."

Sara nodded sadly, unwilling to trust her own voice. Reaching out to open the door for them, she pulled it wide for them to step through into the bright lights of the corridor. Her eyes met with Grissom's instantly, the warmth in them giving her the courage to override her torrid emotions. After the sadness that had engulfed her with this case, she had never been happier to see anyone in her life.

Stepping closer towards her, Grissom came to a stop beside her, shielding her tired body with his own. Lifting a hand, he touched her back, his reassurance offering her comfort and support, both which she gratefully accepted.

Beside him, Sara drew strength from his closeness, taking all that he offered to combat an array of a hundred different emotions bombarding her simultaneously. "Do you need a ride home?" She asked softly, her voice reaching through to Fred Jones as he continued fighting for some sort of regained control over his emotions and movements.  

"We'll be fine," he whispered brokenly, his feet dragging along the floor as he tried to keep himself from falling. His wife pulled her head up beside him as if suddenly realizing where she was. "Sara?"

"I'm here," Sara told her quickly, coming around so Livvie could see her. 

Breaking away from her husband, she took a shaky step towards Sara and pulled her into a powerful embrace, holding her so tight that Sara could barely breathe. "Thank you," she whispered shakily, causing sudden tears to sting Sara's eyes.

"You're welcome," Sara told her through a whisper, "If you need me, any time, please call me okay?"

Pulling away, Livvie lifted a hand to cup Sara's face gently. "I will." Stepping away, she looked over towards her husband and reached for his arm. Slowly they left the scene behind them and escaped into the Las Vegas air.

Grissom watched silently as they walked away, his eyes drifting from their retreating forms over to Sara who had stood rooted to the same spot, watching in a silent gaze. "Hey," he said softly as he took a step that would bring him closer to her.

"I'm fine," she whispered, nodding automatically, as though in a trance before turning to chance a look into his eyes. For a moment she was transfixed in his gaze, unable to break free from the blissful pull of his eyes. 

"Shift's almost over," he told her, his voice shaking with uncertainty, "Are you going to be all right?"

Sara closed her eyes briefly only to open them again just as quickly. Nodding her head, she reached out a hand to glide her fingers along his arm. His warmth sank into her skin bringing his healing touch to encompass her entire soul, and in that one brief moment she could have abandoned all of her restraints and lost herself in the sanctuary of his eyes. Deep down she knew that for him, this closeness was scaring him to his very essence. She had far too much love and respect for him to create even more fear inside him with her need for his comfort. Offering him a small smile, she backed away from him, releasing her hold on his arm. "Thanks Grissom," she nodded, trying to calm her treacherous heart that refused to be kept under control. "I have to go."

Grissom's pulse rate doubled with every step that took her away from him. He longed to reach for her, to pull her against his chest and hold her tightly against him, but right now, his fear held him back as it had done so often in the past. So instead he watched her quietly walk away, her sudden loss aching inside his heart. Why couldn't he just release the fear that kept him away from her? Why was he chained to his past? He became suddenly aware of a presence beside him and he turned to see Al Robbins by his side.

"I think you may have a problem," he sighed sadly as he followed Grissom's eyes.

"I know," Grissom nodded, his heavy burden weighing him down as he turned to his friend beside him. "How did you know?"

"It's not hard to see Gil," Doc Robbins told him, "Sara's taking this case personally and she's going to burn out if she doesn't take a break soon."

"Oh," Grissom mumbled, suddenly relieved that Robbins was talking about Sara and not about him and Sara. Releasing the breath he had been holding, Grissom looked over towards the coroner. "I'll talk to her."

"What makes you think she'll listen to you?"

"She probably won't," he sighed with a slight smile, "but I have to at least try."

"Good luck," Robbins smiled, "she's a viper is that one."

"Yeah," Grissom told him, "and just as dangerous." Turning away from the man beside him, Grissom walked in the same direction that Sara had walked only moments ago. He had to find her and overcome this fear inside him. She needed him to break free of it, they both did.

Sara sat quietly on the bench in the locker room. She stared blankly out into the open space before her, her mind running over and over every piece of history she had made for herself over the years. Time and time again she revisited her strained relationship with her family and the distance she had placed between them during each year that passed. Images flooded her mind, bringing a hazy understanding of the mistakes she had made along the way. Her thoughts of the past died away, creating the path for another memory. A memory bringing the perfect image of the man who had invaded her dreams for so many years to her mind. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. How had she come to this point? Grissom had been in her heart for so long she couldn't ever remember a time when she hadn't loved him. Even now, even after his rejection and his avoidance over the last year, she still loved him, more than ever.

Groaning in frustration, she sank forward, elbows on knees, dropping her head into her hands. This whole situation was hopeless. He may never share the same feelings as she did, and she would have wasted half of her life being in love with someone who didn't love her back. Had it been worth it? When his smile crept into her mind, and the closeness they had once shared encompassed her soul, she realized that she would have gladly endured the torture he'd inflicted upon her heart time and time again. She loved him, it was that simple. She couldn't stop it and she couldn't erase it, even if she had wanted to. With a heavy sigh, she stood up from the bench and pulled open her locker door to pull out her jacket. Today was just one more day to add to all the others so she would just have to deal with it and move on. She always did.

Pulling on her jacket, she moved over towards the door and pushed it open only to come face to face with Gil Grissom. "Oh," she gasped, "I'm sorry, I didn't see you there."

"I wanted to catch you before you left," his whole body had started to shake and he hoped she couldn't hear the tremble in his voice.

"What's wrong?" she asked, suddenly all business as she made a move to pull off her jacket. "You need me on another case?"

"No, no, nothing like that," his voice sounded foreign to his own ears and for a frightening moment he almost turned tail and bolted from the room, but her eyes held his with their beautiful intoxication. "I was wondering, well, hoping," he stopped took a deep breath and started again. "Would you like to go somewhere for a coffee or something? You know to talk…about…"

Sara could see his obvious discomfort and took a chance to end his fear. Stepping closer, she lifted a hand to his face, stilling his words into submission as his eyes fluttered closed to lose himself in her touch. "Thank you," she whispered, "I know you're worried that I'm too involved, but you really don't have to be. I'm fine, really."

"Sara," he whispered, his voice catching in his throat as he fought to calm his heart. Taking a step away from her, he needed to supply his lungs with some dire needed air and calm his senses before he lost his nerve completely.

"Sorry," she said softly, misunderstanding his movements and dropped her hand from his face, "I…"

"No, not this time," he whispered, taking a step closer. "We need to talk, but not here."

"I don't know if I can," she told him, sadly knowing that if she got her hopes up too high they would surely be crushed again and added to the collection she had collected over the years. "Can we take a rain check?"

"I…sure," he nodded, his disappointment shining through from his eyes. Moving aside, he watched her slowly slide between him and the door only to stop before she had disappeared entirely.

"I'll see you tonight," she told him quietly as she ignored her body's reaction to his closeness.

"Yeah," he nodded, "you get some rest."

"I…" stopping dead in her tracks, she offered him one last smile, "I'll see you later." Turning away from him completely, she walked away leaving him to stare after her.

TBC………..


	8. 8

Here's the final part, thanks to everyone who has reviewed. I could even be persuaded to write a sequel, that's if anyone wants one of course!!

Sara had driven around for a long time as she tried to make sense of her inner turmoil. Gil Grissom, the man she'd been in love with for an eternity had asked her to go out with him, in public, and she'd turned him down. Although she truly wanted to take him up on his offer, deep down she recognized that her main emotion right now was fear. Just as with Grissom, being afraid was now a clear factor in their 'relationship'. 

Now, as she stood watching the calming water ripples of Lake Mead, her heart started to ache with all the things that were never meant to be. Lifting her face into the wind, she made a silent prayer to whoever was listening to take a soft cloth and gently wipe away and absorb all the pain and heartache that had accumulated within her and let her bathe in peace, just at least for a few hours.

Grissom's actions over the last day had cracked open her heart to allow a tiny piece of hope to filter through into her depths, but that hope, no matter how small, had all but melted away when fear of another rejection reared up its ugly head to take a hold of her. Casting her mind back over the last few hours, she replayed every scene, every tiny second over and over and over. His smile, his touch, his voice; they all told her that he at least cared for her, yet she had to admit to herself that although she certainly wanted to take another shuffle step forward, she wasn't sure of his intentions. 

The memory of his arms around her came back to engulf her, full force, bringing a pool of tears to her eyes. His warmth still lingered over her body, bringing with it another wave of powerful feelings that almost brought her to her knees. She wanted to have his arms around her again. She needed that feeling of security more than anything else in the world, but would he give it to her? Looking down at her watch, it was almost 9.00 a.m. How long had it been since she went home and contemplated the enigma of Grissom and their fears and desires?

Tiredness floated through her body and she knew that sleep would once again elude her today. Laura Jones' killer was behind bars and she'd effectively brought the case to a close, so she should be able to sleep right? Sighing heavily, she turned away from the ever-changing yet constant scene before her and walked slowly back towards her car. Maybe today, sleep would find her and drag her down into its solitary depths, and take her blues away. Climbing into her Yukon, she looked over at Lake Mead one last time before starting the engine and driving away.

Grissom couldn't sleep. He had been lying in his bed for half an hour, waiting to succumb to sleep but it refused to claim him. He knew that at the root of his problem was the beautiful brunette who haunted his dreams. His feelings were so jumbled that he could hardly make sense of anything anymore. He had been so certain that he could basically just pick up his life from where the surgery had put a temporary halt to his steadily eroding life, to find her and start over with a renewed sense of peace and vigor. The moment he had seen her again after so long would be etched onto his heart forever. She'd always had the power to render him a jabbering idiot even though she had never intentionally done so. So why then, after she had taken the step closer towards him, had he backed away? The truth? She scared him, no, she terrified him. Sara Sidle could bring feelings into him that he never even knew existed. She rendered him powerless against her, and that in itself scared him half to death.

Pulling the covers from his body, he flung them aside and sat up on the side of his bed. Sleep refused to come to him right now so there was no point in willing it to claim him. Rubbing a tired hand over his face, he reached over for his pants that were draped over the end of the bed and pulled them on. He stood to his feet and padded bare foot out into the kitchen and stopped dead in his tracks when a small knock sounded on his door. He looked over towards the clock briefly, before making his way towards the door. Pulling it open, all thought of sleeping left his body when the rational part of him once again lost to the overwhelming burst of feelings that literally took his breath away. "Sara?"

Sara's eyes traveled over the length of his body, all the way down to his bare feet and then back up to his eyes. She had no idea why she was here, just that she needed to see him. "I…" she started, her voice trembling as she spoke, "I'm sorry, I woke you, I should go…" She had already started to turn away when his voice called her back.

"Sara, no, don't go." Reaching out a hand, his fingers grazed her arm to halt her movements. "At least come in for a while."

"I don't want to intrude," she whispered, "I don't even know why I'm here."

"You're not intruding," he told her, stepping back from the doorway so she could see into his house, "Sara?"

Sara watched him for a few moments before nodding slightly to take a tentative step forward and into his hallway. Her whole body had been on full alert since she'd ended up outside his door, and his closeness now was eliciting all sorts of feelings that she couldn't define. Even if she would have memorized all the English dictionaries and thesauruses, the words and explanations  found would not be adequate. As soon as she'd stepped into his house, she stopped to wait for him to close the door. The last time she had been here was so long ago that she felt like an intruder now.

Grissom watched her quietly from his place at the doorway and waited for a few moments until he could regain command of his voice. "Go through," he urged, stepping closer to nudge her arm slightly, propelling her further into his domain.

Sara did as he asked, taking a tentative step closer towards his couch to turn around. She could feel the trembling inside her take over her whole body and she suddenly felt incredibly foolish for coming here. "I'm sorry."

"What for?" he asked, a smile forming on his lips as he took a step closer.

"I should have called first. I didn't think.." Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm her tattered nerves before attempting to say anything else.

"Look, sit down," he told her softly, "I wasn't asleep."

"Okay," she told him, a tentative smile forming on her face as she slowly sat down onto his leather couch. Grissom regarded her for a moment before taking a slow step to position himself on the opposite end of the couch.

"So?" he started, trying to think of things to say that wouldn't betray the array of emotions inside him.

Sara could see the turmoil in his eyes and turned to fully face him. Reaching out a hand, she brushed her fingers against his arm only to withdraw her hand when she saw the fear filter through in his eyes. "I had some things I needed to tell you," she whispered, her voice so quiet he had to strain to hear her it. "I don't know where to start…"

"Sara…I"

"No, Griss, let me say this okay? I need to say it?"

Sitting back in his seat, he nodded silently while she struggled to reveal to him what was on her mind. "I'm sorry for everything I've done to make you…uncomfortable," she told him quietly, "I know we've discussed this earlier, but I need you to know that I think I understand now."

"Sara? Listen...," he started, his own heart hammering inside his chest.

She started to speak over his words, as if in some kind of cleansing trance, "Somewhere over the last few years, I fell in love with you." She whispered, only turning to him when she heard him gasp beside her. "It's okay," she nodded, "this is something I have done, it wasn't your fault, it's all me."

"Sara, I don't…" His voice faltered against the thudding inside his chest.

"I know," she told him sadly, her eyes filling with unshed tears. "You don't have to say anything. I know you don't have those feelings for me and that's okay too. I just have to find a way to stop feeling the way I do, that's all." Taking a deep breath, she pulled herself up to move away from his couch. "I just needed you to know that it's not your fault. You shouldn't feel uncomfortable at work because of me, so I think I should be the one to leave."

"What?" he asked, her words spurring him to his feet as he edged closer towards her. "You can't leave."

"I need to get away Grissom," she told him as a silent tear escaped to roll down her cheek, "I'm so tired of the pain."

"Sara please," he whispered, his voice clinging to the desperate hope that he could repair the bond that had been fractured between them. "Sit down for a while, let's talk about this."

"That wouldn't be such a good idea Grissom," she told him sadly as her eyes slowly lifted to his. "My feelings don't have an on/off switch that I can just flip so that my feelings I have for you can be replaced with simple friendship. If I could, I would have done that a long time ago." Turning away from him, she walked over towards his door and lifted a hand to linger over the handle. "Goodbye Grissom."

Grissom's heart was thumping so loudly inside his chest that he was so sure she would be able to hear it. He did have feelings for her, and no matter how afraid he was he couldn't let her leave here without exposing at least a tiny glimpse of himself. "Sara…" he groaned, his voice strained against the emotions inside him, "I…" It was as though a monumental wall had been resurected inside his throat, blocking the truthful words that he so desperately needed to voice. Moving closer, he came up to stand behind her. Lifting a hand, he pressed his shaking fingers to her shoulder and heard her stifled gasp against his touch. "Please don't go."

Sara leaned her head against his doorframe and closed her eyes. How could she ever deny him when her feelings ran so deep? "Grissom, I can't…"

"I care," he blurted quickly, forcing the words from his mouth before he lost the power of speech altogether. Her closeness terrified him, and her mere presence rendered him powerless, but he couldn't seem to let her go. "Sara?"

Slowly, she turned around to face him. "Don't say things you don't mean Grissom."

"I mean it. I care." His eyes wandered down to his hand on her arm and then came slowly back up to her eyes. The  honesty there took his breath away and for a heart stopping moment he thought he might just fall into the abyss of her eyes. His whole body had started a tremor to course it's way throughout him and he was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his voice under control, but she needed to hear his truth, "Stay?"

Sara hesitated for a moment before she found the answers she needed inside his blue eyes. He was trying so hard to be strong for her. Nodding slightly, she stepped closer to follow him back towards the couch where he sat her down. She was half expecting him to turn tail and return to his previous seat with a safe distance away from her, but when he sat down beside her, almost touching, she could feel her heart racing inside her chest.

Sara's closeness was intoxicating and he was finding it increasingly difficult to move away from her. He was pretty sure that she was just as afraid as he was right now, so finding his courage he reached out a tentative hand to touch her arm. "I'm trying Sara," he whispered softly, "I know you need more from me, but I'm not sure I can give it to you."

His words caused a floodwave of tears threatening to overflow and she found herself turning to him, seeing for herself the very depths of the man who had owned her heart for so long. "Will you hold me?" she asked quietly, still unsure if he would be prepared to break through the barrier of fear that he had erected around him. "Just for a few minutes?" When he didn't move, she closed her eyes against the added rejection and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, that was a real stupid thing to ask, I know you don't……"

Before she could finish, Grissom moved closer and pulled her back against his chest, holding her firmly against him. His heartbeat thudded wildly inside him but he ignored his fear, for once enjoying her closeness. Beside him, Sara turned in his arms to lay her head against his chest and revel in his warmth if only for a short time. His closeness sent warmth into the far reaches of her body that had been consumed with cold fear, melting the ice away. She snuggled in closer to his warmth, taking all he had to offer. Neither spoke as they sought this newfound intimacy, both of them drawing whatever they could from each other. Minutes ticked by in silence. The only sound in the room was their evened breathing; both of them relaxing in each others embrace.

Looking down, Grissom caught sight of Sara's face and suddenly realized she had fallen asleep in his arms. The thought that she had relaxed enough with him to sleep brought all kinds of emotions to surface inside. He could have stayed like this forever, contented to hold her here like this and bask in his love for her. Love? Did he just say love? His heart almost burst inside of him as the feelings hit him full force causing him to tighten his arms around her body. He loved her. Everything, all the feelings, all the thoughts seemed to clear inside his mind to bring one emotion that overtook all the others with perfect clarity. Love. The newfound clarity caused his body to shake beside her and she stirred against him for a second, her arms loosening their hold on him. Gazing down at her again, he watched her sleeping face and found himself smiling. She was here, she had stayed, and now they were together, at least in this capacity. Sliding her gently from his body, he laid her down onto his couch and stood up to gaze down at her. Waking up with her would be one of the most memorable moments in his life, but at the same time he knew after their slow rebuilding of the bond between then, neither could withstand the embarrassment that came with it upon waking. Reaching over behind the couch, he pulled down the blanket that was draped over the back. Opening it up, he laid it over her sleeping form and tucked it in close to her body to banish the coldness. With her asleep like this, he suddenly found his fear starting to slip away. Bending down, he placed a soft kiss into her hair and then pulled back to watch her again. "Goodnight Sara," he whispered softly as he backed away from her until he was standing against his bedroom door. Taking one last look, he turned away to return to the sanctuary of his room, leaving his door open.

On the couch, Sara's eyes cracked open and a small smile crept to her lips. "Goodnight Grissom," she whispered, letting the essence of his love surround her until the warm tug of sleep dragged her down into blissful release…

THE END……..


End file.
